Why 'What Do You Want To Be?' Is The Wrong Question

And 2 better ones to ask to guide you back to yourself

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Do you remember being asked that question as a kid by a parent, a teacher, or a well-meaning relative?

And then having your answer dismissed favouring something more ‘practical’, more ‘realistic’.

Don’t be silly; you can’t be an actor. You’re good at arguing; how about being a lawyer?

You’ll never make any money as an artist. You’re good with numbers; how about being an accountant?

Superhero isn’t a real job. You’re good at fixing things; how about being an engineer?

(OK, maybe they had a point with that last one!)

This dialogue would continue as you got older until eventually, you conformed to the idea of what someone like you was expected to be and found yourself in a place, living a life that you never imagined for yourself.

And not in a good way!

But with the continuous conditioning you were subjected to, is it any wonder that you abandoned your dreams of being an actor, artist, or superhero?

Is it any wonder you let go of what you really wanted your life to look like?

As a father of two boys and someone who had their dreams of a creative life squeezed out of them, I fully believe that “What do you want to be when you grow up” is a dumb ass question.

Not just for a 7-year-old whose main priority is knowing when they can watch TV or get another new toy, but for anyone.

It’s the wrong question to ask, period!

Here’s why.

The question's premise is that success is tied to being ‘something’ instead of ‘someone’, as if what you do is more important than who you are.

And this is illustrated by the puzzled and disappointed look on the face of the person asking the question when your answer doesn’t conform to their expectation of what you should do.

Academically gifted? Your answer must involve a career that requires a university-level education, promises a six-figure salary (at least), and bragging rights at the next family get-together.

A poor working-class boy from a council estate? Maybe set your sights a little lower; the university is for the elites, which doesn’t include you.

Jeez! Talk about perpetuating stereotypes.

And look, this isn’t to shit on people that ask the question. It’s like that ugly family heirloom that nobody really wants but is passed down from generation to generation because that’s just what you’re supposed to do. Social conditioning runs deep!

Determining your future based on what you’re good at is how people tried to put you in a box and direct you from what you wanted to do.

You don’t have to do something just because you’re good at it. And you don’t have not to do something just because you’re bad at it.

So how do you break that cycle and reconnect to your dreams, goals, and desires?

Well, what if instead of asking What do you want to be? you were asked

Who do you want to be?

How do you want to live?

These questions are expansive. They allow you to envisage a life encompassing the things that are meaningful to you and light you up.

Who you want to be allows you to dream about the qualities you want to have, the values you’ll hold dear, and the code you’ll live by.

And How do you want to live? focuses the mind on what a fulfilling life would mean to you; would it mean a nomadic lifestyle or the certainty of a home base? would it mean a daily structure or going with your inspirational flow?

The answers to these questions provide a personal GPS that is far more useful at guiding you to where you want to be and far more interesting than simply becoming a lawyer and living a typical lawyer life because someone told you you were good at arguing.

Wherever you’ve ended up in life, and however you got there, that doesn’t have to be your final destination. If you’re ready to break out of your box and enter new coordinates into your GPS, start by finding stillness, asking yourself Who do I want to be? and How do I want to live? and listening to the answers that emanate from your soul.

Your head will tell you millions of reasons why what you want isn’t possible or realistic. But the trick here is not to listen to your head but your heart.

Oh, and if you want to share what comes up, tell me; I’d love to hear it!

photo: @palita_photographer